What’s your biggest fear? I feel like no one is fully honest about the fears that they face in their lives, and that they cover their experience with a veil of hearts and butterflies and lollypops to make themselves seem stronger, happier, and invincible. This is especially true when talking about pregnancy. The reality of my impending motherhood is really starting to settle in, and I think I might be starting to experience my first round of true terror. I officially got a “congratulations” from someone at work, meaning that I legitimately look pregnant, and have gotten over the hump of awkward early pregnancy hump. So now all the fears of what becoming a mother will really be like are starting to weight on my mind and I must come face to face with these issues and figure out a way to solve them. Instead of covering them up and pretending I’m a superwoman, I decided to share these fears with you.
The first big fear that I am staring down is weight gain, and obviously you all know about this fear because I talk about it NONSTOP. Thing is, I have stretch marks from The Freshmen 35 (yeah, I more than doubled it… college was fun and I went a bit overboard), and I am dreading how bad my skin will look after this expanding tummy takes full control. Stretchy pants make it look like I have a permanent camel toe, and because I’m off balance all the time, I walk with a permanent waddle. And I just know that this is going to make my already Jennifer Lopez ass become one for the record books. I won’t spend too much time on this fear because I talk about it every week. However, it is important to note that my husband and friends have been absolutely awesome in helping with my self-esteem; I just have to actually listen to them!
Another gripping fear I have started to develop is that something is going to go wrong with my pregnancy. Network television certainly does not help with this dread. It seems like since I found out I was pregnant, the amount of TV focused on the horror stories of pregnancies gone wrong has quadrupled, and I’m completely convinced that it will all happen to me. It just seems like so much can go wrong. Simple things like lying on my back, eating a bug, taking medicines (even though my doctor promises that they are 100% safe) or even working out to hard, cause tremendous anxiety that I am ruining everything. I don’t think this fear will ever go away, even after Harper is born. I will just keep forcing myself to think happy thoughts!
Finally, the biggest fear that I have developed is the overwhelming panic that I am going to be a terrible mother. I assume this is something that every mother experiences at some point in her pregnancy (or at least I hope I am not the only one). I possess absolutely no redeeming features that would qualify me to watch any sort of child, let alone a baby, and in a few months I am expected to be the full caretaker of an infant. I keep having these dreams where I forget to pick up Harper from the Quickie Mart (seriously, in my dreams it looks like the store from The Simpsons), and she has been there for 24 hours with no food or water or anything, and I just pick her up alongside my slushie and continue on with my day. Neither my husband nor I know how to feed a baby, what size diapers to buy, or even how to begin to change a diaper! We signed up for a class at our hospital that is suppose to teach us how to care for a baby, but I highly doubt this 3 hour class is going to even scratch the surface of what lays ahead. They all say it will just come naturally… but for a psycho planner like me, that just isn’t going to cut it.
I hope that by sharing some of my biggest fears with you that maybe people can help me out with any advice you have to overcome them! Everyone has a fear that they live with, this just happens to be mine.
On a lighter note and as a follow-up to last week’s blog, I thought I would share a funny pregnancy brain story with you that occurred this past week. While preparing my yummy dinner of spaghetti, butter, cheese and sauce, I happily pranced about the kitchen getting everything ready. Just as I was preparing my entire meal, I looked down only to realize that I had served my entire dinner portion not in my appointed pasta bowl, but instead in the tub of butter that I had pulled out. My husband saw the whole thing, and thought I just really wanted a lot of butter on my spaghetti, so he didn’t say a word as not to offend me. Yeah, I’m an idiot.